SHAILOS & TSUVAS: QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

QUESTIONS ON DYING, DEATH, THE FUNERAL
AND WEDDINGS

1. SHOULD WE TAKE OUR SMALL CHILDREN TO THE FUNERAL?

Yes. Leaving them out of the funeral excludes them from the strengths of
family. They who have rejoiced in the gifts of grandparents would want to
share in their distress. The child has the right to mourn in his/her own way.

Additionally, the imagination of youngsters who have been kept away from the
family's appreciation of one of its members is far worse than the reality of
attending the funeral.

I feel the same way about asking the children of live parents to leave the
sanctuary during the Yizkor service. The child may wonder what strange and
secret services go on in their absence.

2. HOW SHALL WE SPEAK OF GRANDPA'S DEATH TO THE
CHILDREN?

Euphemisms such as "he has gone to sleep" or "he has gone on a long trip" only
tend to frighten the child. No wonder the child has translated going to sleep or
is panicked at the prospect of his parents' leaving on a trip.

The child is worried about abandonment and wants to know if his or her
parents will be there for them.

Death is a reality which in various stages of our lives we learn to accept. I have
written a prayer-poem which may speak to the hearts of the children.

WHERE IS GRANDMA?

by Harold M. Schulweis

The young child asked
"Where is Grandma?"
And the adults gasped
Not knowing what to say

Certainly not in the earth
Buried, covered over with soil and small rocks

Certainly not in the heavens
Distant, far off, a fantasy of the imagination.

Much closer than earth, much closer than heaven
Grandma, dear child, is within us all.
In our memories of her kindness and goodness
Memories that are not faint echoes but resonate in us each day
Grandma is in our tenderness with each other, in our loyalty to family
for friends, in our love of our people.

Nothing noble dies with death.
Warm embraces, wise counsel do not evaporate into the air.

Grandma is not "where" but "when"
Wherever we gather together to celebrate festivals
Whenever we offer help to the poor, the homeless, the sick
Whenever we defend the innocent
raise our voice against injustice
Grandma's influence is present.

3. WHY IS THE CASKET CLOSED?

The tradition of closing the casket expresses respect for the deceased.
With an open casket we become, inadvertently, spectators and the deceased
becomes an object. The rabbis called the deceased a "nireh v'aino roeh",
someone who is seen but himself or herself cannot see. We want to remember
the deceased as exercising free will and not treated as an "it".

4. WHY THE SIMPLICITY OF THE CASKET?

The choice of "tachrichim" or shrouds originated in the rabbinic concern with
not embarrassing the deceased. In ancient times, the deceased was carried on
an open litter and poor people, shamed because of the tattered clothes with
which the deceased was dressed, abandoned the body. Rabbi Gamliel, one of
the wealthiest religious leaders in the community declared that the deceased
should be dressed with simple, inexpensive, and modest clothing so as not to
shame the survivors.

The concern for modesty which extended to the discouragement of flowers is
based on the principle of "chasin al mamonum shel Yisrael" -- one should be
sparing with one's wealth. Use the monies for charitable purposes that would
support the living and in this way beautify the memory of the deceased.

5. WHY IS A MINYAN NECESSARY FOR THE RECITATION OF THE KADDISH?

Judaism places the individual within his community. All acts of "kedushah" or
holiness call for a minyan of ten Jews. Communion with God calls for
community with one's fellow human beings.

Frequently the mourner feels isolated and abandoned and may tend to retreat
from the world. The minyan by its presence informs the mourner that he or
she is not alone. We are with you in your anguish. "Ayn Hagabbiu met" -- a
community does not die.

6. IS CREMATION PERMISSIBLE IN JEWISH TRADITION?

The great respect which the tradition has for the human being, including his
bodily form, discouraged any distortion of the body. The ideal called for the
interment of the deceased in the earth. The earth is the matrix out of which we
are created and to which we return. In placing some earth on the casket, we
express our belief that nature is not alien to us, that we are formed and returned
to the ground of our being.

For many Jews, cremation is a tragic reminder of the incineration of Jews
executed by the Nazis during the Holocaust period.

7. WHY IS THE KADDISH RECITED FOR ELEVEN MONTHS AND THE SHIVAH FOR SEVEN DAYS?

Judaism is a tradition which affirms life. It has struggled from its inception against concentration on death and the deification of the human being as exemplified in the Egyptian concern with mummification and the preservation of the body after death.

Death is real and mourning is natural but excessive mourning is to be limited. As some of the rabbis put it "He or she who mourns excessively may be mourning not for the deceased but for someone else" -- perhaps for one's self.

Shivah is an effort to re-create one's own life after the loss just as God created the world in seven days.

The same applies to limiting the recitation of the kaddish to eleven months. The deepest tribute that can be paid to the deceased is through the resolution to live and hallow God's name by mending the torn fabric of the world. In an unusual poem the writer Agnon, says that the kaddish is recited not only to comfort the mourners but to console God who is diminished by the loss of one of His children.

8. WHY ARE THE WEDDING RINGS THAT ARE EXCHANGED UNBEJEWELED?

The "legal" reasons are based on preventing fraudulent transactions between the bride and the groom. It may appear, for example, that the ring is a most precious diamond but it may turn out to be an item of glass. Therefore, the ring which originally was a coin is unadorned as is love, simple and not to be confounded by the glitter of opulence. There are in the eyes of God no distinctions in matters of affluence.

The ring is placed on the index finger of the right hand because the right hand is symbolic of the attribute of compassion. Some speculate that the index finger is chosen not only because it is the most prominent finger of the hand but because it simulates the "yad" or hand that is used to point out the words of the Torah that is read during the aliyah. Wisdom and love have a common root in biblical Hebrew -- "yada" to know is to love and to love is to know.

9. WHY THE BREAKING OF THE GLASS

At the height of one's joy when our cups run over, we are reminded of the brokenness of the human condition. There is hunger and homelessness in our society and much suffering. The bride and groom who are gifted by God with the capacity to love are reminded of the fragmentation in society and their responsibility and opportunity to make whole that which is divided and to bind the bruises of humanity. Originally the broken glass recalled the destruction of the Temple and the resolution to rebuild it.

10.WHAT IS JEWISHLY APPROPRIATE IN BUDGETING A WEDDING?

Judaism is not an ascetic tradition. There is nothing permissible that is prohibited to be enjoyed in this world. The wine which appears so often in the wedding ritual expresses the biblical belief that "wine rejoices the heart of the human being".

But Judaism is a spiritual and morally sensitive faith. Extravagantly exorbitant wedding abuses the wealth that should be used to alleviate the pain of the weaker vessels of society. Modesty is a basic Jewish virtue that is ignored by the excessively hedonistic and material concerns of our society. The ideal is to rejoice and to bring joy to others. The celebration of love is not a celebration of isolation but an expanding embrace of others.

11.WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THE ENCIRCLING OF THE GROOM BY THE BRIDE THAT I HAVE OBSERVED AT SOME WEDDINGS?

Many scholars believe that the bride encircling the groom seven or three times indicates the central position that the groom has in the union. Some feel that this is a sign of residual sexism incompatible with the egalitarian spirit of our times.

I suggest a way in which "the old can be renewed and the new sanctified". I propose that the bride and groom arm-in-arm encircle the chuppah which represents the sacred center of the home. I suggest that encircling three times is based on the statement of the prophet of love, Hosea, who declared "I will betroth you to Me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the Lord." (Hosea 2:19, 20)