Rabbi Harold M. Schulweis Sermons

A havurah depends upon people, not texts, not books, not money. The essence of havurah is people and therein is its uniqueness. For is you consider the bulk of our relations in the general society in which we live, they are mostly practical, pragmatic, utilitarian. They represent the relationship between lawyers and clients, doctors and patients, entrepreneurs and customers, employers and employees. But the soul of the havurah is a relationship that is not utilitarian, that is not practical but that is profoundly human and humane.

In general society people have been televised, depersonalized by a technocracy. We sit before a television set and we become passive. Before a television set one does not speak, one does not ask, one does not question, one does not answer. Before a television set you sit to be entertained, to be spoken to, to be sung to, to be told stories and jokes. To watch television is to relax. It is perhaps to fall asleep. We have become an opticizing culture. We watch, we see, we observe, we are spectators. Television demands very little from us - not concentration, not creativity. We live with that environment impersonally through remote control. We can turn it on or off. We don't have to get up and we don't even have to consult a television guide. We sit and with our thumb are able to have things circle around us.

It is a phenomenon of our socialization that is undeniable. Fifteen hundred hours each year are spent before the television by our children and we are not far behind. It is more time than any other activity in our lives except sleep. A. C. Nielson reports that adults spend thirty hours per week.

Once upon a time there was a parlor in our home. The word came from the root “parler” which means “to speak.” It was the place where the family and friends gathered to speak to each other. Once there was a library and once upon a time there was a study. But today there is a television room. Once the family would gather around the radio, one radio, to listen to Jack Benny on Sunday night. Today the home is transferred and transformed into a television cineplex. The home has become privatized. There are two or three televisions in our home, one for each taste.

In this sense the havurah is revolutionary. For it pulls you off the television couch into a society with three-dimensional figures who speak, who ask, and can be answered. In television if you don't like Jay Lenno you turn to David Letterman. If you don't like Letterman you can turn to Arsenio Hall. If you don't like Donahue you can turn to Oprah. If you don't like Oprah you can turn to Sally. If you don't like Sally you can turn to Geraldo. You can turn people on and off at will. But here we are in one living room with human beings who speak, who listen, who question, who ask and the medium of exchange is talk.

Speech makes us human, speech keeps us human, speech defines us. And speech is what we have in common. Havurah depends upon speech, upon words. What do I say to you and how do I say it? In Hebrew the word for words is devarim which also means “things.” Words are real. Words are weapons. Words are instruments. In our tradition we have a great respect for the word. Remember that God created the whole universe with a word. And we create a havurah with words, with words between us. The book of Proverbs 18:21 says death and life are in the power of the tongue and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof. A brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city. And their disputes are like bars of a castle.

Words are important. Our relationship depends upon it. A havurah lives and thrives upon words. The Bible and the rabbinic tradition are filled with concern about the use of words, for words can be abused, words can elevate, lift, inspire, exalt, and they can also denigrate, debase, destroy. There is talebearing and profanity, blasphemy and informing, cursing and false flattery, mockery and lying. A whole two chapters in the book of Leviticus deals with leprosy and the rabbis explain that this strange malady which comes from nowhere apparently is the result of gossip, of libel, of slander. And when you slander another person, the Talmud says three people are killed; the slanderer, the person slandered, and the person who listens.

A slanderer is a person who suffers from acute indiscretion. Gossip in Hebrew was called rechiluth. It comes from a root out of which is formed the word rochel which means a peddler, usually a peddler who sells perfume. What has gossip to do with perfume? When you open up the cap of a perfume bottle the fragrance escapes and once it does you cannot grab hold of it, push it back. It does its work. Gossip is like an evil odor it is irrevocable.

The rabbis spent a great deal of time with the idea of slander and the abuse of words and they have a wonderful way of putting slander that is ambiguous, slander that is oblique, that is indirect, that works by innuendo they call avak lashon hara which means the dust of gossip. Let me give you a few illustrations. You don't have to gossip directly; you can simply say to somebody "You know how she is" and no more, and damage has been done. Or you can say "Who could have thought that he would be what he is today?" or you can use gossip through sarcasm, through jest, through humor. Here the rabbis quote from the book of Proverbs, 26:18, "As a man that pretends to play and casts firebrands, arrows, and death so is the man who practices deceit upon his neighbor and says 'halo n'sachek ani', I'm only joking, it's only a joke, I'm only kidding.”

Watch out with the joke. A joke is an arrow, and an arrow – once it leaves the string of the bow – cannot be called back.

Words hurt and human beings are fragile. Sarcasm bites. He who says "sticks and stones can break my bones but names will never harm me," is usually a person who has been hurt and who speaks this comfort through tears.

Television culture is not a preparation for the culture of havurah. As I look at television, I notice its increased sarcasm, wise cracks, stings, incivility. I see it in the programs that are most popular. I see it in “Roseanne,” I see it in Howard Stern, I see it in the so-called intellectual discussions called Capital Gang or Crossfire, the practiced incivility, yelling and distortions and name calling between John Sununu, Pat Buchanan, Michael Kingsley and the McLaughlin gang. They're all smart men and women. But I can tell you I would not want them in my havurah because a havurah is based upon men and women of character, men and women of sensibility; human beings, not shouters; not those who enjoy tearing down;  not those who are only interested in making a point. You will learn nothing and you will remember nothing from those shouting matches.

What should we do in the havurah? There is a person who may talk too much, who monopolizes the conversation or a person who is a professional killjoy, a person who is not cooperative, a reluctant dragon. After all, I know that it says in Leviticus "you shall love your neighbor as yourself" but right before that it says "thou shalt surely rebuke thy neighbor," and that is right. But the tradition and the culture of Judaism tells you that everything depends upon how you rebuke a neighbor, how you deal with that "pest.” Here are some instructions. (1) Before the verse is given to rebuke your neighbor it is written "you shall not hate your kinsman in your heart.” Make sure that when you criticize you do it out of love. Is it not amazing that from some people you can take all kinds of criticism and from others you simply cannot? I think the reason is that we know the difference, that there are those who simply relish telling me the truth too much and that behind that truth telling is anger and punishment.

(2) The Talmud in Baba Mitzia 59b says, "Don't reproach your neighbor with a blemish you yourself have.”  Correct yourself and then correct others. Are you sure that the flaw that you see in this other human being is not your own flaw projected upon him? There is a category in the Talmud which deals with verbal abuse. One of the illustrations is not to taunt those who are naturally sensitive. Don't taunt a Jew by choice by saying to him "Who are you to criticize us?" That is blasphemy.

And says Maimonides in his code of laws Hilchoth Deoth, chapter 6, sections 7 & 8,  "When you correct others make sure that you do it privately because words are weapons and in public they can shed blood. He who embarrasses a friend in public is to be considered as if he has shed his blood.” So you may criticize, but it must be done with calm speech and soft language.

And above all, do not call names. To refer to someone as stupid, vulgar or loud is to label that person, stigmatize that person, and it is unfair.

And sometimes it is important to bite your lip and hold your tongue.  Says the Magen Abraham on Orach Chayim, "As one is commanded to rebuke the evil in the other one is commanded not to say that which will not be obeyed.” There are times when it is wiser not to say anything. You have to know the circumstances, you have to know the character, you have to know the strength of the other.

I know this is against the popular ethos which says, “Tell it like it is, let the chips fall where they may, get it off your chest, tell the truth.”  I can only tell you from my own experience. Help me, O Lord, from the truth sayer, from the one who tells me "you look terrible today" though it may be true or "that was an absolutely puerile talk," though it may be true. Bless the hypocrites.

Shall we lie then? I think the answer is yes, there are times when it is wise and ethical to lie. There are good lies, white lies, noble lies, even holy lies. Even God is said to lie . For you recall that when Sarah is told by the angel that she would at her late age bear a child, she laughed to herself.  “Should I have pleasure when my husband is so old?”  But when God told Abraham what she had thought, He said Sarah laughed because she said "Shall I bear a child seeing that I, Sarah, am so old?" A blatant lie, a white lie, but a lie for the sake of peace, for shalom beyit. Truth is not an absolute. Aaron the priest was an ideal figure who was called a rodeph shalom, a pursuer of peace. When two people would quarrel he would sit down and lie to them. "I just came from your friend. He beats himself and tears his clothing saying 'how shall I lift up my eyes and look upon him?' I am so ashamed and I am so sorry." And then Aaron went to the other friend and told him the same story. And when the two friends met they embraced and they wept and they kissed each other. Aaron lied for the sake of peace.

The havurah is not adult education. It is not just for learning. It is most of all an opportunity to meet, to relate, to speak and to regain the human in ourselves. It is the cultivation of the heart of feeling and compassion and this cannot be gained by books. All real life is meeting and there is not substitute for it. It is worth the aggravation, it is worth discipline.

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