Rabbi Harold M. Schulweis Sermons

Yom Kippur 2006 – 5767

by Harold M. Schulweis

The sermon started with rumors, anecdotes, whispers — which I dismissed as so much titillating gossip. Then a serious and respected colleague, Rabbi Eric Yoffie, the President of the Union of Reform Judaism, addressed the general assembly of his movement with urgency. He appealed to parents and the synagogue to be actively concerned with the growing number of middle-school students who are sexually active.

In his talk, he made reference to the growing social phenomenon of “hooking up,” the splitting severance of sex from any form of relationship other than sexual satisfaction. “The simple truth is: Our kids are frustrated by the combined failures of their parents and their synagogues to offer them practical help. What teens are doing is very different from previous generations.”

So, I consulted others — principals of Jewish day schools, camp directors, private schools and public schools and youth directors — I became convinced that this issue was not restricted to sexuality, and sexuality not an isolated issue, but involves our moral and psychological culture: how we treat the body, my own and the other. What is my body? How is it related to my psyche, and my soul; and the way in which our culture has become increasingly addicted to drugs, alcohol, “cutting” anorexic body image and the growing phenomenon of risky youth games such as the “California choke,” the black-out game, pass-out game, hyperventilation games. Last year, California had the highest rated reported deaths or injury from youth asphyxia games. These self-destructive, dangerous games are most common in male children ages nine to fifteen. 90% of victims are male. Near-death highs are considered “cool” and “risky,” and with the prevalence and popularity of the internet, accessible to children in their very own homes.

Statistics? Well, all right, but not Jews. When I came here in the ‘70s, I comforted myself: “These are not our problems. It’s not a Jewish issue. Of course, only non-Jews become addicted. Only non-Jewish husband beat their wives. Only non-Jewish kids have these problems.

We are exceptional people. But we are not exceptions.

At the root of the so-called “adolescent problem” is the larger reality: The adult value system of parents. Who are we, what kind of world is this and what do we want our children to become?

We love our children, and we want to protect them from dangers of an unhealthy environment. But why on Yom Kippur, on the day of fasting and spiritual atonement? Because Judaism is a tradition of unusual realism, frankness and openness. Consider that our rabbis deliberately chose for us to read from Leviticus 18 on the afternoon of Yom Kippur, which deals with sexuality, incest, nudity, and sexual relationships. (Take a peek at the Machzor, pp. 675-677)

The character of religion is revealed in the way in which religion relates to the body and its functions. Outside Judaism, in the ancient world, the body is the source of unending trouble. The body requires food, drink, shelter, medical attention. It is filled with lusts and desires. The body entraps the soul. In the great philosopher Plato’s words, “The soul is encaged and entombed in the body.” The goal of life in most, if not all, religions — with the notable exception of Judaism — is to free oneself from the dust, dirt, physicality and materialism of this world, and to escape it for another ethereal universe.

In the major religions of the world, Buddhism, Hinduism, Christianity and Islam, a pall of pessimism hangs over this world. For most religions, salvation — no matter why or how — lies in escaping from this to another world, to blow out the flame this world’s desires and to liberate the soul from the weight of a body. Whether through asceticism, fasts, mortification of the body, self-flagellation, celibacy — freedom from the body is a dominant motif.

The Jewish tradition is noticeably different. Consider that in our four thousand years, we find no Jewish monks, nuns, monasteries, convents, nunneries, hermitages. And in Judaism, no exaltation of virginity or chastity as the ideal of piety.

Not a single one of the 613 mitzvoth urges a life of asceticism, “ascesis” or self-denial. Indeed, as Gerson Scholem notes, among Jewish mystics — contrary to mystics of all other faiths — no Jewish mystic prohibits sexual desire. To the contrary, in Judaism, marriage is sacred, and sexuality is part of the sanctity of marriage. Paul of Tarsus, after he broke with Judaism, preached in I Corinthians: 7, “It is good for a man not to touch a woman. I say, therefore to the unmarried and widowed, it is good for them if they abide even as I. But if they cannot contain, let them marry rather than burn.” From Paul’s view, sexuality is suspect: celibacy is Godly. To be deliberately celibate is to put an end to procreation, to civilization.

Contrast this with one of the great texts of the rabbinic Talmudist Rabbi Nachmonides, the 13th century Talmudist, mystic and philosopher. In his treatise, “The Epistle of Holiness,” he instructs the husband to “ … speak words which arouse her to passion, union, love and desire … quarrel not with her . . . win her over with words of graciousness and seductiveness … As far as the sense of touch is concerned, let not a man consider sexual union as something ugly or repulsive. For that blasphemes God. Hands which write a sacred Torah are exalted, while hands which steal are ugly.” The hand that caresses the body in love is beautiful.

In the Talmud Sotah 17a, it is written, “When a husband and wife unite sexually, there the shechinah, the Divine Presence, abides.”

So, we begin our Holy Days. If, in Judaism, we emphasize “the soul is Thine, and the body is Thine,” since we have such a healthy, this-worldly attitude towards the body, what should be our concern today about sexual expression? Because “then” is not “now.” “Then,” against a repressed, gloomy Puritanical world, Judaism fought against sexless love and bodyless souls. “Platonic love.” Today our battle is reversed: It is concerned not with sexless love, but with loveless sex; not with bodyless souls but with soulless bodies.

Let me speak more plainly. We and our children are surrounded by a mass culture, evident in the popular media, that deals with endless episodes of loveless sex and soulless bodies. Rolling in and out of bed captive. Just name, rank and serial numbers. Two of the popular programs of our time are “Sex and the City” and “Desperate Housewives.” (For the sake of research for this sermon, and the education of the congregation, I was compelled to watch these programs. It is my rabbinic duty.) Overwhelmingly, the sexual events are evidence of what is called “hooking up.” Sexual contact devoid of relationships, commitments or romance.

“Hooking up” is an interesting phrase. When I fish, I “hook up” the bait and cast it into the waters. The bait is there only to catch the fish. It’s kept in a pail of water, then thrown out. The “Hooker” and the “Hookee” use each other. What they have in common: the seductive bait. “So what, old man? You’re from another generation. What’s wrong with having fun, what’s wrong with sex without strings attached? No one gets hurt. And the trump argument: ‘Besides, everybody does it.’ ” “In your day, you were worried about conception, detection and infection. Today, we’ve got medication: We have pills before, during and after. ‘Better living through chemistry.’ ”

Detection? No worry. “What happens in Las Vegas remains in Las Vegas.” What happens in Las Vegas? Why not Las Encinos? Las Calabasas? Walls without windows, walls without doors, walls without clocks or calendars. Technology promises “high frequency and low fidelity.”

“Hooking up … nobody gets hurt.” “Hooking up” means no breaches of contract, no legal suits, no romantic commitments, no vows to be broken. Nobody gets hurt.

Really? And you yourself, are you not hurt? What has become of you? And of her? How do you treat yourself, and how do you treat the other? Are you — he or she — reduced to a sex machine? Muscular abs, without dreams and hopes and shared expectations?

“Nobody gets hurt. Life is a joy ride!” Is the other a car to take you out for libidinal drives? Of course, if the ‘somebody’ is a machine, an auto-erotic vehicle, test drive it before you invest in that car. Try it out. If it is not up to snuff, trade it in. Rent another car, with a better chassis, faster acceleration and a better motor.

Nobody gets hurt. What about marriage? “I’m young. I’m not married.” Do you think that your pre-marital ways of behaving and thinking are just shut off when you marry? Do you think your basic attitude toward the other works like an electric switch that cut off before the wedding canopy?

Of course “nobody gets hurt.” When love is reduced to “popular mechanics” — how, when, where, how much, how fast — there is no hurt. There is no feeling. You feel nothing. And psychologists speak of a growth of affectlessness. I feel nothing. I am emotionally numb.

Could it be that the growing phenomenon of “cutting,” “choking,” hypoxia highs, near-death highs are ways to wake oneself to feeling? Soulless bodies grow lifeless, numb. I want to be I alive. How do I fight the death of feeling? Could it be that cutting my flesh scares me into feeling? Choking myself up to the brink of death I feel life. Intoxicated, I lose my inhibitions. I’m free to feel what I want to!

It’s not kids, it’s not drugs, it’s not sex, it’s not TV, it’s not porn. Dig deeper. The root of our concerns with sex and body and addiction have roots in how we are taught to think and to believe.

The dominant philosophy of popular culture is hedonism. It’s the bottom line. Hedonism, the value system of mass culture, can be reduced to two simple sentences. It’s our philosophy of life!

(1) Pursue pleasure; and (2) Avoid pain.

The goal of life is to pursue painless pleasure. Relationships without pain. The other body offers you instant gratification. No pain. Just fun. Who can argue against fun? Nobody gets hurt!

But when she or you get older, grayer, weaker, sicker, slower, stumble and fall — will it not become too cumbersome to lift or carry? Caring hurts. Love hurts. Who needs the pain of compassion?

That hedonistic philosophy — pursue pleasure / avoid pain — is false and misleading. For the truth is that there is no pleasure without pain. There is no love without the pains of responsibility. Love hurts. Why do you think Cupid carries a bow and arrow? Love can wound.

When the widow or widower cries that they have lost a loved one, and that loss is so deeply painful, they say “why love so deeply if the death of another leaves tears?” They are right. I whisper to them, “But ask yourself: Is it not better to live with pain than to live a loveless life?” You can gird yourself with impenetrable armor that will make you impervious to suffering.

But is sedated life living?

Hear the wisdom of our vocabulary. “Compatible,” “passion,” “compassion,” “empathy,” “sympathy” all have a common Latin root: pati — to suffer. Pain is the price of living together, of dreaming together, of raising a family together, of becoming human together.

Without love, without the nobility of pain, we are left with the cabaret taunt : “Is that all there is? Is that all there is? Well, if that’s all there is, then bring out the booze.”

Let’s have a party. Lose your consciousness and your conscience . . . “If that’s all there is.”

If life is only the pursuit of pleasure and the avoidance of pain, then bring out the scalpel. Let the surgeon perform a prefrontal lobotomy. A painless incision into the brain that severs the nerve fibers. And that painless surgery will deaden all your pain, your fears, and your worries.

If that’s all there is, then bring out the surgical neurologist. Let him implant electrodes connected to the pleasure centers of the brain, bomb them with pleasant sensations and immediate and instant gratification.

If that’s all there is, bring out the pharmacologist. Amphetamines, barbiturates, Prozac. Instant artificial happiness. A temporary high followed by a howling low.

Hedonism is a lie. Any thing truly worthwhile in your life demands struggle, wrestling, working, frustration … passion — another word derived from “pati” : suffering. What’s happiness without struggle and stress: a book, a painting, a poem, athletic prowess, running a business? Name one significant person or serious value without sacrifice.

Genesis knows it. God did not curse Adam and Eve after they ate from the Tree of Knowledge. He offered them true wisdom, “With pain and travail shall you bring forth children.” Through your blood, Mother Eve, you will give life. And to you, Adam, “In the sweat of your face you shall eat bread til you return to the dust. For dust art though, and into dust shalt thou return.” Child and vocation — pleasure and work.

There are no shortcuts to life, no shortcuts to pleasure without struggle. The joys of creativity —building a business, healing a patient, defending a client, contributing to charity — are abound to some degree of suffering. There are no shortcuts to happiness. Shortcuts to happiness lead to promiscuity, addiction, alcoholism, the deadening of feeling and selfishness. The walking dead.

We love our children. No one wants to see children suffer. But paradoxically, to deny a growing child an opportunity to struggle with life is to stunt that child. Pleasure without pain leaves him fragile, dependent and emotionally immature. When, for example — and this I have heard from so many teachers and principals — the parent comes to the teacher and sometimes threatens, cajoles and pleads for a higher mark for the child, this is not good for the growth of the child. The educators call it “grade grubbing,” and it’s contagious. Grade-grubbing destroys the child’s need to educate himself, to learn, to understand, and to earn on his own.

A secret: Without the struggle to think, to read … for $10 a page, you can download from a website a term paper on Chaucer, Shakespeare or Hegel. $10 a page is a small price to pay to avoid hard research and writing. Why not? We can afford it. Just a few bucks and you can graduate from college illiterate. “I got the degree, the accreditation, the title.” But what have you learned? What have you mastered that you can transmit to others?

“Listen, old man, everybody does it.” That is the most popular excuse for immoral behavior. It is true everybody, or almost everybody, in politics, in business . . . everybody cheats. Whether it’s Enron, or the tobacco companies — now being sued for lying about “light tobacco.” Marlborough Light and Carcinoma Light. Or the medical corporations that refuse to call back a known, defective pacemaker because it will cost them money … everybody does it. Everybody cheats, steals, cuts corners. Everyone bows to the bottom line.

“Everyone does it” is the pervasive challenge to our moral souls. And it must be answered unequivocally and Jewishly. “We are not everybody.” That is the 4,000 year answer of our people. When everybody was murdering, stealing, bearing false witness, when the pagan world sanctified holy prostitution and human sacrifice, we said, “We are not everybody.”

When everybody tortured and exploited their slaves, we said, “We are not everybody.”

When everybody said, “You were born in original sin and will not be saved except by belief in a crucified God, or perdition is your lot,” we said, “We are not everyone.”

When everyone said, “You must bow your head to the dictator and bend your knee to his power, we said, “We are not everyone.”

Against the grain of uniformity, a Jews dares to say, “No.”

“No” to the vulgarity of mass culture.

“No” to cheating.

“No” to the ruthless pursuit of power, wealth and greed.

“No” to a life without pity, without a care and concern for the other.

“No” to a life without idealism.

You know a baby grows up when she or he can say, “No.” What a relief to both child and adult to hear a moral “no,” to stand against the mindless pressure to do what the mob, the gang, the group are doing.

In the inner recesses of our heart despite the protestations, our children cry for boundaries, for limits. A society without “thou shalt not” is hell of anarchy.

But every “no” must have a “yes” behind it. “No” to a life of selfishness must grow out of a “yes” to a life of self-respect. “No” to the demeaning of others must say “yes” to respect for the dignity and decency of the self. “No to family isolation. Yes,” a family must eat together. Our table talk is the Torah of mishpocha.

Now we come to the critical term, “Therefore.” What if the diagnosis is correct? What can we do about it? Do we chaverim care about each other? Do we love our synagogue family enough to know when the other hurts? Can we, as a synagogue family, prevent the pain, anticipate the erosion, strengthen the family, support them, sustain this moral and emotional life? For me, to belong to a synagogue is to find not just mind, but heart and soul to lift each other with all our compassionate wisdom. The family is the most unsupported and under institutionalized unit.

Therefore, I propose for your consideration a VBS Institute at VBS for supporting and strengthening the family. I am calling upon the most expert talents in the field of family and interpersonal relationships to guide us, navigating our lives through the shoals of our contemporary society.

I am particularly excited about establishing a teenage peer counseling education, to train select young people to offer advice to their peers with whom they can identify, with whom they share a common culture and a common Jewish identity. Young people will be freer to speak with their peer, and peers will be supervised by professional therapists. The project will be supplemented by lectures and interpersonal counseling, the formation of a counter-cultural Jewish families. I propose reaching out to Jewish families who will together discuss these issues, and form a Jewish counter-culture Havurah. We need not follow the ways of the lemmings drowning in the sea of loveless existence. We will use the multiple and loving talents within VBS — including USY, Counseling Center, Family Center — to help each other.

Because of the generosity of private contributions to the Schulweis Institute, we can help families to resist the coarseness of meretricious culture. Through your generosity, you have provided us with funds for the Schulweis Institute. I have called upon Dr. Ron Reiter, a distinguished psychologist and therapist, who will be directing and coordinating our institute with a corps of volunteers – sensitive and deeply caring professionals.

We need to know where the shoe pinches. We are family. We are a family of families. Our goal is prevention of tripping over the stumbling blocks, and application of 4,000 years of Jewish wisdom.

This is the Day of Atonement, and the reconciliation of our blessed families. To be a Jew is to create a family, and “you should be as a blessing to the families of the earth.”

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